You know how you think you’re over something…or someone…and then it turns out you’re not?  It’s kind of a bummer, let me tell you.  It’s actually a big, fat bummer….if we’re being honest.

It’s been a painful couple of days.  Don’t worry, I’ve hidden it well.  At least, I think I have.  Being busy has helped.

But it’s the not so busy moments that are the hardest.  My mind starts to wander down pathways it shouldn’t, looking and hoping for a sign that maybe it’s not a wrong pathway after all.  Except, I know that it is.  Why is it so hard to do the right thing?

Truthfully, my heart wants to honor the Lord.  I want to have a completely surrendered life-mind, body, and soul.  I want my current state of emotion and the feelings that accompany it to go away.  It would be easier if I could just turn off that part of my heart.  Where is the switch for that?

I actually had a completely different post typed out last night.  After my eyes became too heavy with the weight of fatigue, I “saved” my draft.  Somehow good old WordPress didn’t save it, and all was lost.  But I believe every thing happens for a reason, so perhaps this is what I actually needed to write.  Just some old-fashioned, raw honesty.

I’ve loved words for as long as I can remember.  I especially love writers that string syllables together like poems.  And I would much rather write something “pretty” to read…versus what I’m actually doing, this stream of consciousness that probably sounds a bit rough around the edges.

But isn’t that who we all really are?  Just misshapen hearts, always needing a Savior?  I despise my humanity at times…but it’s the nature of our flesh to always come out a bit (or a lot) lacking.  And here stands Jesus, ready to polish the tarnished and buff out the scratches.

I had a conversation with a good friend earlier and we talked about the desperate dependence on God…how it’s a really good place to be, but life might feel easier if we didn’t need Him as much as we do.  I know that statement may not sit well…it doesn’t sit well with me either.

I think I’m pretty good at doing things on my own.  This can be beneficial at times-especially being 36 and single.  My independence though, can get me in trouble. Because when I try to “fix” on my own, it’s most likely not going to end well.  By God’s grace, it may come out okay.  Or it could be a complete disaster.  I sit here very mindful of my need to submit and surrender to His will and His will alone.  Again.

Letting go can be painfully hard.  Right?  If you’ve ever held your hand in a fist too long, or tried to carry too many grocery bags at one time, doesn’t it hurt when you start to uncurl your fingers?  And yet this is what He asks of us.  Surrender.

Job 11:13 CEV

“Surrender your heart to God, turn to Him in prayer.” (italics mine)

Turning to Him means I’m turning away from what I want…from what I think I need.  I can’t help but think about the portion of the Lord’s Prayer that says, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done.”  This is the way Jesus tells us to pray….”Your will be done.”

I’m also reminded of the way Jesus prayed in the garden on the night he was betrayed…He asked his Father to remove the cup of suffering.  But how does he end his prayer?  “Yet not my will, but yours be done.”  

My friend, I have to know His will is better than mine.  I have to believe He knows what He’s doing.  And He’s good.  Everything He puts His hand to, is good.  It may not feel good…but we know by now our feelings can’t and shouldn’t be the judge of His character.

Take a deep breath with me.  It’s all going to be okay.  It’s all going to work out.  Because no matter what, we have Him.  We are IN Him.

And He is always enough.